I’m not sure where to start this blog….but things have been on my mind since our visit home (Newfoundland) this summer. I had made up my mind back when we booked this trip that I had to go to the west coast to visit family, most importantly, my nan. My mother’s mother. Ella.
She was diagnosed with dementia a while back and every time in the last four years that we have been back home for a visit, we just didn’t make it to see her. It’s a long drive across the island, and just not having time really. I’m not making excuses, it just happened to be the way it was.
I still remember the first time I had seen my nan after the dementia had set it. Even thinking about it hurts me a lot. She only recognized the people that she had seen every day, like my aunts, uncles and cousins that live close. For me, the last time I had seen her healthy…is that really the word…. was my wedding. 2004. She didn’t recognize me and it brought tears to my eyes. I thought. THOUGHT. I was prepared for this. Not in the slightest.
Now many years later, I think to myself again. I’m ready. I can go for a visit and take it all in. I.Was.Wrong. I’m grateful for my mom being there since she can see and feel my pain. That blank stare that you get when you walk in the door. The non recognition of a familiar face. I’ve tried to read up on dementia. Hurts really to know it can be anyone, anytime, anywhere, so I always stop reading. Something just sticks with me though from this specific trip.
I reach out and give her a hug, and she moans in a way that hits me hard. Like she KNOWS who I am. Does she? Know me? I have to think she does. You just don’t get a reaction like that without deep inside knowing family. It’s the same feeling I get when my mom sings to her and she will sing back. No other words are spoken, but when there is music, she sings. This is the mystery I guess of this. For the next hour, I fight tears, feeling of worry, anger, everything. For my mom and I, it’s a quiet trip back to where we are staying, but I know we are both feeling the same thing. We don’t need to talk because we see it in each others eyes.
I miss my nan, the way she used to be. I love her lots!